We are still in Houston. My mother-in-law's heart surgery was actually a heart catheterization to assess her heart function, with the possibility of inserting a stint if the situation merited. Thankfully, although the doctor thought that a high probability, her heart function turned out to be within acceptable parameters for a woman her age. We did, however, have a major scare the evening of the catheterization as she went into severe breathing distress and was almost intubated. The rapid response team worked on her for over an hour before she stabilized. She is still hospitalized, but her condition is improving and we are hoping for her release in the near future. Funeral plans for my father-in-law are underway.
Sinning sinner that I am, my thoughts these last few days have at times turned inward. What does the future hold for my husband and me? Am I getting a peek at where we will be in 30 or 40 years, assuming God blesses us with that many more? My mother-in-law said as much to me a day or two ago: "Cheryl, some day Phil will be gone and this will be you lying in a hospital bed. When you first get married you think you have all the time in the world; then you realize 50 years have gone by and it's all over."
What worries me most, though, is not the thought of my husband or myself getting sick or dying. I know that's going to happen--it's the way of the flesh. Not that I like it! But what I most hate to think about is my children having to to some day go through times like this. As a mother one of my deepest wishes is to protect my babies from pain and harm. And yet I know with each passing day my ability to do so diminishes, as they get older and so do I. Some day I will not care for them as much as they will care for me. And there will be all kinds of challenges and difficulties in their lives between now and then that I will not be able to shield them from. As a friend of mine likes to say, "Such is life this side of heaven." I know that whatever happens in their lives, God will sustain them. But the part of me that wants to be God desires to continue managing and directing my children's lives and has a hard time entrusting them into His care. Thanks be to God that He doesn't need me to get out of His way in order to do His thing! While I fumble along with my pitiful little efforts, I know He has the future in hand and that all will be done according to His good and gracious will.
So why am I still afraid?