Making Sense of High Sensitivity

I concluded my previous post about my son by stating that I have come to the conclusion that I, like him, am highly sensitive. I am surprised for several reasons to find myself typing these words. First, I am a cynic when it comes to these kinds of things. I don't know why, but I have always resisted arguments from cause. I think causality is way more complicated and harder to prove than most people imagine it to be. So when people attribute behavior to biology my skeptical side kicks into gear. I don't like anything that provides a potential excuse for things I think people should be able to control. I think we have come to a place sociologically that we want to have a name for everything and a box to put it in and a place on the shelf to put it, and I don't think things are that simple. And even though I have a child with Asperger Syndrome, my attitude towards that "condition" is that it is something that is completely normal for him and a lot of other people. It is just the way he is, in the same way that some of us are more introverted and others are more extroverted. I don't care whether there is a name for it except insofar as its having a name allowed us to more easily access information that assisted us in understanding and teaching our son.

So there is a big part of me that is highly (haha) annoyed to discover this thing called "high sensitivity" and further to discover that it might apply to one of my children and to me. But I can't ignore what I have read and learned in the past few weeks. The passage in the Highly Sensitive Child book (Elaine Aron, author) that started bells ringing in my head was this one:

"Parenting certain HSCs is also more difficult than parenting others. Some are real 'drama queens' and demanding 'little princes.' This partly depends on other aspects of their temperament . . . plus the child's role models and general environment. . . . I also find that parents who are more accepting of the trait and generally available and responsive to their child are the ones, ironically, whose HSCs are more 'trouble' when small. This is because their child feels free to express his feelings . . . . Parents who are less available and responsive--perhaps they are overwhelmed themselves, or nor comfortable with intense emotions--may cause an HSC to hide her feelings in order to be accepted and not cause any trouble. But the child never learns to cope with these bottled-up feelings, and they usually resurface in other ways in adulthood, when it is much harder to fix. So I always worry a bit when parents tell me that their HSC 'never caused us any trouble at all.'" - Chapter 2, p. 47

The more I study high sensitivity, the more I think I am a highly sensitive person who was a "good" highly sensitive child. I am the youngest of a blended family and when I was growing up there was extreme conflict in the home compounded by mental illness and alcoholism. It would be an overwhelming environment for anyone--how much more so for the highly sensitive person. I have been told by older siblings that when I was a baby/toddler I cried all the time. When I got older, I went from "crying all the time" to "reading all the time." I learned to disappear. It was the best way to survive: get a book, go find a corner, and try not to be noticed. And the trying not to be noticed is pretty much how I have spent my life, which is why I never would have thought of myself as being highly sensitive. Aren't highly sensitive people extremely emotional and obvious about it, calling attention to themselves as they express their inner turmoil in dramatic and noticeable ways?

Well, no. Not necessarily. Here is a list of traits associated with high sensitivity:

Aware of subtleties in one's physical environment and in the moods of others
Very sensitive to physical pain
Need to withdraw to get relief from the stress of being overstimulated
Particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine
Easily overwhelmed by sensory input (bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, etc.)
Prone to startle easily
Conscientious--tries very hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things
Stressed out by too many demands or people coming on all at once (everyone is like this, but highly sensitive people have a lower-than-average threshold)
Intuitive--good at picking up on what's happening non-verbally
When people are uncomfortable, the HSP tends to know what to do to increase their comfort.
Deeply moved by music and the arts
Possessed of a complex and rich inner life--a deep thinker
Avoids extremely graphic or violent movies and television shows
Need for high degree of control/ability to arrange things to avoid upsetting/overwhelming situations
Low tolerance for hunger or thirst, cold or heat
Difficulty performing while being observed
Low tolerance for change
"Shy" (Aron doesn't like this word and prefers the term "social discomfort" for shyness)

The only items on this list that don't resonate with me are the low pain threshold (I think I have a high one) and high sensitivity to caffeine (I am very caffeine tolerant). Everything else fits pretty much perfectly. I am reminded of my husband's good-natured kidding of me over the years about my frequent need to get my "tuffet" in order before I can relax--to adjust things such as the thermostat or the speed of the fan or the volume of the radio to a precise level that I can tolerate. If he drives my car and changes the seat adjustment, it takes me forever to get it back to where it feels right again. I obsess about the slightest differences in facial expression or tone of voice in my friends or family members. If I'm in a group of people I worry greatly about whether someone is feeling left out or someone's words are being misunderstood. I want everyone to get along; conflict greatly upsets me. I have no poker face and am not good at either pretending or teasing; neither do I take teasing well. I also obsess about my own appearance and the judgments I imagine people are making about me. Perhaps not all of this is related to high sensitivity, but I think much of it probably is. Here is another passage, this one in The Highly Sensitive Person, that rang very true:

"We are often told, 'Don't worry; no one is judging you.' But being sensitive, you may be noticing that people really are watching and judging; people usually do. The nonsensitive are often happily oblivious of it. So your task in life is much harder: to know about those glances, those silent judgments, and still not let them affect you too much. It's not easy." (Chapter 15, p. 90)


Speaking of feeling judged, the Preface to the book begins this way:

"'Cry baby!'
'Scaredy-cat!'
'Don't be a spoilsport!'
Echoes from the past?"

Um, yeah. Most definitely. Add in "wet blanket." I have always been, and will always be, the one who worries incessantly about the danger, the risk, and the consequences of whatever is going on at the moment--the little mommy that spoils everyone's fun, that doesn't want to go on the big adventure or ride the roller coaster or get her shoes dirty or her clothes wet. And yeah, I have felt judged and marginalized as a result.


If you are still with me, I will share just one more thought. There is a chapter in The Highly Sensitive Child about trying to parent an HSC when you, too, are an HSC. Here, too, I see myself in neon lights. Highly sensitive parents are more likely to overprotect their children, to avoid exposing them to new experiences, to empathize with them to a fault, feeling their pain (both physical and emotional) more than a nonsensitive person would, to have trouble asserting themselves on their children's behalf, and to have trouble asserting their own needs within the family (so they care for the needs of others to a fault, resulting in others not learning how to care for themselves as they should). This is my life. I could go through each item in this list giving example after example, but I think I will just let you take my word for it.

And then there is the situation of one highly sensitive parent and one not highly sensitive parent trying to co-parent the highly sensitive child. You can imagine the issues that arise when the parents are coming from two such different places. That is another whole blog post, which I may get to eventually. Let me just say that my husband and I are starting to better understand ourselves as parents and realizing that we could both adjust our approaches in certain areas.

I am interested to hear from any of my readers who think they, too, are highly sensitive. According to Aron, about 20% of people are highly sensitive, and 30% are at least moderately so. This is not to say that the rest of the world is made up of unfeeling clods with no sensitivity at all--humans are by definition sensitive!--only that 20-30% of people are more sensitive than average. I think my high sensitivity may be one of the reasons I have trouble sleeping and feel most of the time as if I am physiologically on high alert, with butterflies in my stomach and heart pounding and cortisol levels heightened for no apparent reason. Things that most people deal with as a matter of course send my body into overdrive. If you think you are highly sensitive, take heart. One of Aron's themes in both of the books I have read is that high sensitivity is not a handicap, but a gift. Certainly it can create challenges for people trying to make their way in a world that is not built with them in mind. But there are many benefits to being highly sensitive. Feeling is good. Feelings are good. It's what we do with them that counts.

People Who Need People

I took Evan to the park Sunday afternoon. It was a fall day fit for the movie screen, cool and breezy and full of color, with footballs flying and a playground overrun by noisy, breathless children. A number of them were involved in a group game, calling each other by name as they scrambled over the slide/climbing structure. As I pushed Evan on the swing, he watched them thoughtfully, then turned to me and quietly stated, "They know each other."

Now, you have to understand, Evan is my extrovert. He wants to know EVERYONE. Nothing makes him happier than to be around people, many people, especially children. That's not to say he doesn't sometimes feel a little shy. But the shyness does not detract from his enjoyment of social contact. He needs it in a way that the rest of his family does not.

So, back to the conversation.

Evan: "They know each other."

Me: "Yes, I think they do."

Evan: "They don't know me."

Me: "No, honey, they don't know you."

Evan, soaking this in, brow furrowing ever so slightly: "Why does God make it so people don't know each other?"

Ohhh-kaaay. How to answer this one?

"Evan, it's not that God makes people not to know each other, but that He just makes so many people! There are too many people in the world for us to know them all. We could never learn all their names! But you know lots of people. You have friends at gym class, and Sunday School, and church. Those are the people you know. They are YOUR friends."

It's times like this I feel sorry for my youngest in that he doesn't have a playmate in the house. There are eight years between him and his big sister, eleven between him and his big brother. My oldest two children had each other to play with; Evan is often on his own. And there aren't children in the neighborhood that he can play with. We arrange play dates as we are able, but it's difficult to carve out the time and coordinate with other parents. Sometimes when we go to a playground or similar place Evan will buddy up with someone for just that short period of time. He considers these temporary playmates to be friends and has been known to cry over not seeing some of them again. He still thinks about and misses several children in last year's preschool class who left the class early in the year. Much more than my other two children, he needs people. But more and more I think that I could have an endless supply of playmates lined up, one for every day of the year, and it would still not be enough, because there would still be people in the world Evan doesn't know. And his need for connectedness is so profound, he would still feel deprived. I'm not sure if they have a personality test with a scale broad enough to measure this child's extroversion. And here he finds himself growing up in a house full of introverts. Somehow, though, I have a feeling the rest of us are going to be doing some "growing" of our own over the next few years.

Incredibly Accurate Personality Test

I received this in an email and was so impressed I had to pass it along.

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are--

A. Apple

B. Banana

C. Strawberry

D. Peach

E. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. Your choice reveals a lot about you, and the results are astounding!

To see your result, go to the first post in the Comments field.

But I'm Allergic To Cats!

On the other hand, this could explain a lot. Maybe I'm allergic to myself!

You Are: 20% Dog, 80% Cat

You are are almost exactly like a cat. You're intelligent, independent, and set on getting your way. And there's no way you're going to fetch a paper for anyone!

Are You More Cat or Dog?

Frighteningly Accurate Two-Question Quiz

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Jackie!

You are a Jackie. "I do everything the right way."

Jackies are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me

* Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.

* Acknowledge my achievements.

* I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.

* Tell me that you value my advice.

* Be fair and considerate, as I am.

* Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.

* Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

What I Like About Being a Jackie

* Being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal

* Working hard to make the world a better place

* Having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself

* Being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do

* Being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions

* Being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people

What's Hard About Being a Jackie

* Being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met

* Feeling burdened by too much responsibility

* Thinking that what I do is never good enough

* Not being appreciated for what I do for people

* Being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am

* Obsessing about what I did or what I should do

* Being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

Jackies as Children Often

* Criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others

* Refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect

* Focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers

* Are very responsible; may assume the role of parent

* Hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry")

Jackies as Parents

* Teach their children responsibility and strong moral values

* Are consistent and fair

* Discipline firmly

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

HT: Muddy Boots

Well, Most of the Time

GREEN

You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.

Find out your color at QuizMeme.com!

What Kind of Shoe Are You?

You Are Clogs

You Are Clogs

You are a solid and down to earth person. You seek and almost always achieve a really sound balance in your life. You are stylish yet comfortable. Mellow but driven. Excited yet calm. You are the perfect mesh of contradictions. No matter what happens, you have the ability to stay well grounded in your life. People know that they can truly depend on you. You should live: In Europe You should work: At a company dedicated to helping the world

What Kind of Shoe Are You?

HT: Mumme Mom

Yep, That's Me

. . . at least when it comes to the sidekick/helping out behind the scenes part. And when you consider that I am increasingly seen wearing reading glasses, I even look a little like him (although some would debate the red hair.) But as for brainy and knowledgeable . . . boy, have I got this quiz writer (and a few others) fooled!

YOU ARE SCOOTER

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick. You're always willing to lend a helping hand. In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going. "15 seconds to showtime!"

The Muppet Personality Test

Another Quiz

I know, I know, it's the tell-tale sign of a lazy blogger. But literary type that I am, I just couldn't pass this one up:

What poetic form are you?

I am the sonnet, never quickly thrilled; Not prone to overstated gushing praise Nor yet to seething rants and anger, filled With overstretched opinions to rephrase; But on the other hand, not fond of fools, And thus, not fond of people, on the whole; And holding to the sound and useful rules, Not those that seek unjustified control. I'm balanced, measured, sensible (at least, I think I am, and usually I'm right); And when more ostentatious types have ceased, I'm still around, and doing, still, alright. In short, I'm calm and rational and stable - Or, well, I am, as much as I am able. To take the quiz yourself, click here.

I'm an INFJ

I recently stumbled across an intriguing site linked by my buddy-in-blogging Barb the Evil Genius (affectionately known as BTEG). It's a 4-question quiz utilizing aspects of the Meyers-Briggs personality test to identify one's blogging style. After taking the quiz I discovered (as expected) that my blogging style reflects my Meyers-Briggs personality type: INFJ.

Here is my blogging style, according to Bloginality (you may need to scroll down).

Here is a longer description of the INFJ personality type, according to The Personality Page, an online personality testing site based on Meyers-Briggs principles (disregard the new-age astrological stuff--that's not from Meyers-Briggs). I took the Meyers-Briggs test during employee orientation for a position as an academic advisor years ago, and I was impressed then by the accuracy of the results. The above summary is still a fair description of my personality. I didn't know that it is apparently the rarest personality type of all! (I think that's kinda cool, especially since I have always seen myself as more of a "blend into the wallpaper" type rather than someone who is unusual or unique.)

If you have never taken the Meyers-Briggs test and have an opportunity to do so someday, I would recommend it. It's quite long but extremely wide-ranging and thorough, which in my opinion is why the results tend to be pretty accurate. I found it interesting when I took the test to learn about the four spectrums along which personalities may be measured (Introvert-Extrovert, Intuitive-Sensing, Feeling-Thinking, and Judging-Perceiving) and to learn the meanings of those spectrums, which may not be what you expect. The Introvert-Extrovert spectrum, for example, has less to do with whether one is shy or outgoing and more to do with where one gets energy (from within or without) and in which "world" one tends to primarily live (the inner world of the mind or the outer world of the environment). By visiting the link above you might be able to get an idea of your overall personality type, but taking the actual test would give you a better indication of where exactly you lie within each spectrum (for example, how extroverted or introverted you are). Even with one personality type there can be significant variation because of the differences in where people of that type fall on a particular spectrum.

One last fun aspect of the website from which I got most of the above links consists of pages outlining how the various personality types may be manifested in a person's choice of career and his or her behavior in relationships with significant others, friends, and children. For my readers who might be interested (I'm thinking husband, children, and close friends), here's a description of the INFJ as spouse, parent, and friend. Here also is a description of the INFJ as worker and a listing of the best career choices (whaddya know--the list includes religious worker, teacher, medical doctor, dentist, psychologist, counselor, social worker, musican, photographer, and child care worker. Sounds like that pretty well sums up my two primary "jobs": homeschooling mom and self-employed musician!)